09/02/2026
Trigger warning:
This post discusses suic*de and ab*se.
After leaving my first husband in early sobriety, I entered into one of the darkest eras of my life.
I was 26 years old, five years sober, I had no Alanon or AA mentorship and no money.
I entered into an emotionally abusive relationship that I didn’t know how to or even want to leave.
I was miserable, but I felt I deserved to be treated badly after ruining a good marriage with a good man.
That relationship isn’t the reason I wanted to end my life, but it certainly didn’t make it easier to want to stay alive.
I used to call my late sponsor every week, sometimes everyday to tell her I wanted to k*ll myself. She’d ask me to wait 24 hours to see if I felt the same way tomorrow.
I had friends and at this point I had started going to AA for the first time in my recovery journey. I didn’t feel worthy of them or being on earth anymore. There were days I would close my briefly eyes while driving to see if I could just let myself run off the road.
Being su*cidal and in emotionally abusive relationships looked like this. I was out often, spending time with people, working a full time job, dating handsome men. To the average person, you would think I was thriving and having the time of my life.
In my best moments, I was silly. I was light. I was fun. But my best moments weren’t an honest reflection of how I felt inside. My friends may not have known that I wanted to end my life, but they knew how to make me laugh. They knew how to make me feel loved. And without realizing it, they gave me reasons to stick around a little longer.
Being su*cidal doesn’t always show up in the ways we expect. Sometimes there are no obvious signs.
September is Su*cide Prevention Month, and I think one of the biggest things to remember is that you really don’t always know what someone is carrying.
Check in on people. Even the ones who are posting funny things. Even the ones who seem social, light, busy, happy. Even the ones who look like they’re in a happy relationship.
Ask directly when you’re worried. Don’t be afraid to say the word su*cide. Be kind. Be present. Give grace to the ones you love. Support each other. List
