03/05/2019
I want to thank everyone who has poured in love and support by messages, prayers, kind deeds and generous donations. I was initially averse to accept anyone’s help (being stubbornly independent), but I understand it is the love everyone felt for my husband, Alan Lee and our family that they want to help us in a time of great need. And for that I am eternally grateful and humble.
It is also the love that I have for this generous, kind, compassionate soul that I tell you My Truth so that others can understand who he was and how this tragedy may have happened.
Alan Lee and I were instantly attracted to each other with intense magnetism. Within the first month of dating we independently called each other our "twin flame". A concept I had only read about, but never experienced. He had boundless energy and a passion for life that captivated me. I was easy going, calm, and balanced my priorities of motherhood and my career. I lived within boundaries and rules that I bent within reason; while he was a free spirit...an untethered soul. In spite of our different worlds and upbringing, we resonated at the same frequency. Ultimately, we both longed to inhabit each other’s worlds.
We were engaged within a year when he overdubbed one of my favorite podcasts with a proposal. He was so romantic and sentimental, something I struggled to embrace in my own life. He nurtured and loved me while I finished my addiction medicine fellowship and took on my first “paid” job as a doctor. We purchased our first home within 13 months of meeting and birthed our baby Vera in the bathtub, overlooking the creek in our backyard. Things happened fast for us, but not without purpose. We manifested our hopes and dreams and invested in one another with all of our love. I would do anything for him and he would reciprocate with more love than I could ever imagine.
He was forthcoming and in-tune with his emotions, yet at times he would express extreme pain and a yearning to understand his self worth. It was a bit of trigger for me professionally, yet I could not fit my husband into the framework of my job. I kept work out of my home. As time progressed we struggled getting through the ebbs and flows of life without him taking to drinking.
There were rare times when he exhibited a loss of control due to alcohol. We discussed this with our counselor and did all that we could to ensure that it never affected our family, and I worked on helping him process the deep rooted struggle of self acceptance and peace that would pop up at the most unexpected moments. I can count on one hand the number of times he would let alcohol take over his executive functioning and this was only when we were home. Yet, I believe this is what ultimately led to his passing the early morning of Feb 18th.
All I can do is painfully piece together the events of that night by charges on his bank account and social media to fill in the missing pieces. He had been driving professionally that night and at the end of a late shift he cashed in a big payout and went to the bar. By letting down his guard, it seems alcohol altered his mind to a point of no return. Alcohol can have terrible consequences in ones life and for some, they cannot control the manner of how it affects them, regardless of how infrequently one drinks.
Loved ones often circle their thoughts with blame, guilt and longing to have “done more”. When in fact, it is a process for each individual to build the power to overcome rather than force change. I want to be a source of love and acceptance for those with this affliction as well as for their loved ones. To understand that the wounded part of individuals is often the part that drew you to them in the first place. The beautiful vulnerability that can be shared between an intimate partner or friend that enables you to accept the inner struggle and still love them despite of their process.
I have dedicated my career to help erase the stigma for those unable to control their use of potentially dangerous substances, whether that is drugs, alcohol, food or technology. For Alan, he had a level of personal life experience that put him at an advantage to healing. He took ownership of his actions, as he was a strong and determined man. He could do anything he set his mind to. So for him to leave his physical body at time that we were happiest about life is something to be grateful for.
In just three years we created a legacy that will live on in our children and myself as a force of change. I will teach our children to stand for loving kindness without thoughts and emotions that will limit our consciousness and self-realization, just as Alan taught me.
As for me, I will push forward with greater passion to help ease the suffering of those who turn to substances for self healing regardless of how frequently they partake or what criteria they fit. Problematic use of substances affects too many people in this world and I will not let my light dimmer in the darkness of this tragedy. I want to shine a light that is beautiful and nonjudgmental, to erase fear so it is easier to address with loved ones, so that they may heal with grace and gentleness.
This is my story. This was our love. My heart and soul are open and I am not afraid.
Thank you for allowing me to share my truth as I heal and continue to seek and share joy and love in the time of passage.
