05/07/2026
The Wisdom from Pain (live alchemy transcript)
The heaviness of the world, the heaviness of my life
Sometimes seems insurmountable.
Even if I get one thing to go my way,
It seems like something else goes wrong.
And it's hard for me to stay on top of it.
And even if I could physically stay on top of it,
I still feel like I'm being buried emotionally.
So I feel like I carry around a heaviness.
In my body,
In my thoughts,
In my emotions,
And in my perspective of life and myself and others.
It's hard to feel lively with this heaviness.
It's hard to feel inspired.
It's hard to feel motivated.
It's like I have a river flowing underneath that says,
What's the point?
What's the point of the difficulty?
And then I feel myself slide in and out of some kind of apathy.
Because passion hurts.
Apathy is easier.
Passion expects something of me.
Apathy doesn't.
And with all the pain,
Apathy is easier.
But it also makes me feel like I'm the dead walking,
Or barely walking,
Not fully here, not fully gone,
Something in between.
And I don't want to be this way.
I don't want apathy to be my baseline.
I don't want to be heavy.
I want to be happy to wake up in the morning.
I want to feel excited about my day.
I want to feel connection to the people around me.
I want to feel inspired by my own life.
So what if I allow myself
To merge with the heaviness right now in full awareness
And feel its contents,
Understanding that the contents of the heaviness will not kill me.
What if I allow myself
To deeply connect to these pieces of me in pain?
What if I allow myself
To be present,
To actually care what I'm going through?
What if I meet myself as a friend
And instead of trying to push the pain down,
What if I integrate it through listening?
What if I expect nothing of myself right now
Except friendship,
Fully present friendship.
As I allow myself to be connected with me in this way, in this space,
The heaviness just changes.
It's no longer a load I'm carrying
That I'm resentful about.
Instead, it's a story
About my experiences
And how they've shaped me.
And the story has adventure,
Defeat,
Triumph,
Mystery,
Curiosity,
Tragedy,
Growth.
And because of all of these, the story has wisdom.
And as I allow myself to feel the texture of the wisdom
That's come from my story,
I can feel the variety of the threads,
How they've painted me into a particular picture.
As I allow myself to truly see the picture of me before me,
Painted with these threads of wisdom
From the great story of my life,
I see something interesting before me.
Not ugly,
Not pathetic,
Not useless,
Not lost.
Interesting.
And as I sit with this interesting picture of me before me,
I can see that all of these threads have never been something
I'm meant to carry like a sack of bricks.
But instead I'm meant to allow them to run through me,
Inspiring deeper aspects of me to come alive,
Encouraging my more wise spaces within me to speak,
Encouraging compassion within me to deepen,
Encouraging identities to catalyze into their truest form,
Encouraging failures to give birth to their greatest meaning and learning,
Encouraging all of the hard places to soften.
So that I express as my deeper, truer, more wise me.
The one who is humbled by the learning
And who walks in gratitude for the teaching.
The one who believes in depth
And so contributes to more of it.
The one who let go of the heaviness
Through integrating the meaning of it,
The learning from it,
The wisdom from it.
I am not a stagnant thing.
I am an alchemizing force
That has a body for a short time.
And so I allow this energy that is trying to move through me to move.
I allow myself to become that which I don't know
Through accepting the wisdom I'm offered
Through the deep learning of painful experiences.
The pain is not the end,
It's the catalyst.
And from this moment forward,
I ask the wisdom to become known to me.
I ask the wisdom to show me
What I learned from the pain.
And in the learning,
The pain is no more.
©️Angelique Moselle Robbins, 2026, all right reserved.
