01/05/2026
4am yesterday morning, sweet baby boy woke up and pretty much immediately I could tell something wasn't right. He wasn't himself and in between breathing that seemed "off", he was whimpering and crying in pain which is not like him.
I haven't been very vocal about the difficult parts of navigating day to day life right now. I REALLY really do try my hardest to find the positive in every situation and not harp on the blah parts of all this - but yesterday morning, I couldn't see the silver lining and I sat there almost frozen while my brain tried to decide if I could/should try to troubleshoot what was going on at home, or take him into the ED. I was hit right then with the reality that having a child with medical needs requires you to have doctor level knowledge and you're asked/required to do doctor-like things on a regular basis -- but in that moment, I was not his doctor, not his nurse . . . I was just Kayden's mom. My brain couldn't do the caregiver thing while I held him crying in agony for some reason and so to the hospital we went. The panic, PTSD, etc. that sets in when he's not acting himself is paralyzing and the frustration of him not being able to verbalize what is hurting or what is wrong is frustrating beyong words. How quickly my nervous system slipped right back into survival mode and how the fear never truly leaves, no matter how long of a good stretch you've had. Our reality is that hospital runs and admissions will be a regular part of our future. Luckily, this one resulted in a pretty nasty double ear infection along with a very constipated belly needing some intervention. But our heart, that thing is just ticking away healthy as ever 🙏 VERY grateful this admission was just for monitoring while we got him back to baseline before discharge, which should happen this afternoon.
So over the last few months I have learned to give myself grace. Yes I am asked to do doctor-like things and carry doctor level knowledge to take care of my son at home, but sometimes it's okay if I am just Kayden's Mom and need to ask for help.