18/12/2017
Hello Friends - Very long post.
Christmas is meant to be a time of celebration, but the ‘season of goodwill’ can easily slip into ill-will and massive stress. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and on edge, or if you’re spending this period with your in-laws, you might want to read this excerpt, emanating from my upcoming book entitled, “HEART & SOUL”, which will be released towards the end of January, to be in time for the month dedicated to ‘love’ by history (February). Although the full narration of this holiday is a little murky - it is what it is!
This is part of a section entitled “You and Your In-Laws” and constitutes almost a full chapter.
MOTHERS IN-LAW AND DAUGHTERS IN-LAW:
Of all the relationships in the world, there is no relationship that is sometimes as volatile as the relationship between us and our in-laws. This topic in itself has the potential of opening up old wounds or scratch fresh ones.
Let me begin with a relationship between a mother and her son. This is one of the most crucial relationships a boy and ultimately a man can ever have with a female, a woman – his Mama!
The reason why this relationship is so vital is because, it is the basis on which he will judge all women in his life. Mothers, it is important for us to raise our sons well and imprint in them, the importance of being responsible, good and dependable human beings. Remember that when we raise children generally, we do not do so just so they can stay with us forever. However, we raise them so that we can help build their good character and for them to be responsible and independent men, who will in turn be in a position to take care of their own families.
We should not unwittingly turn our sons into aggressive men, who constantly have to be called out, as threats of psychopathic behaviour loom large, due to them battling to fill a void of something they never got as children – from us as parents.
Fathers, this is not on mothers only. Children learn from their parents always, whether parents wish to believe that or not. The focal lessons are the ones that children observe rather than the ones that a parent attempts to instill in them by having constant sessions of education. Each time we do something or react to life’s situations, our children are watching and taking mental notes – the kind of notes that will play themselves out well into adulthood. This is what forms the core being of a person due to that entrenchment.
You will note that throughout this book, I mention the power of childhood imprints all the time. This is because they are important to always keep in mind. Whichever way we react to circumstances and whenever we assimilate whatever it is that is being said to us or, whatever we perceive, like or dislike, come as a result of what we were taught as children and whatever it is that influenced us while growing up.
We were taught what to like and not to like; how to react when faced with particular situations; to laugh at certain things and frown upon others. We were taught to toughen up when faced with certain situations and were practically taught what to cry about and what not to cry about. We were taught what’s not acceptable and what is acceptable in our culture - for a woman and for a man.
Now we grow up with all these convictions that were instilled upon us because, a certain segment of society deems them the right ones to follow. Sometimes, they become so far-fetched and the consequences thereof could be dire in the sense that, they may not fit in with the ever-changing times. The world evolves and times do change.
Let us also remember that we all come from different family backgrounds and as such, cannot expect our spouses to do things exactly the same way we do them. They have their own imprints that they grew up with and that influenced them and ultimately shaped the kinds of people they have become.
This is why it is important to take as much time as possible to get to know the other person well, prior to taking that big step of marriage. There are a few questions that I have detailed under the heading “PRE & POST NUPTIALS”, which I believe are very important to ask during the dating phase prior to accepting that proposal or before popping that question. For now, let us continue with the relationship between mother and son.
Ladies, a man that is close to his mother is not necessarily a turn off, as we have been led to believe. Look at it from another perspective.
If he is close to his mother, he will be more sensitive towards your feelings and understand quickly what you’re going through.
He will have a heightened sense of compassion and empathy.
He will know immediately when you are aggrieved about something, based on how he observed his mother while growing up and still staying at home. He will understand your need to want to be alone and not take that as an indication that you’re withdrawing your affections from him.
As mentioned ladies, we do have our off-days, which we experience every month in fact. This makes us more emotional than we usually are. If a man had been observing his mother or his sisters for that matter, he will get to know quickly what to do and to afford you the space you need as soon as it is palpable that it is what you need.
MOTHERS IN-LAW, PLEASE DO NOTE THE FOLLOWING:
A daughter in law is simply a daughter you did not give birth to, but the kind of daughter that was brought to you by the divine power. One of those celestial powers, is the love between her and your son.
Her own biological mother gave you the baton to continue where she left off.
Her own mother had her for a few years only and God brought her to you so you can take care of her for the rest of yours and her life. Now isn’t that Power? Not many people get to be entrusted with such a huge responsibility in their lives.
Your son loves her and it is through her that you will have grandchildren. You cannot love the children and hate their mother – that is just absolute nonsense.
Remember that you have been there, where your daughter in-law is right now. If you were ill-treated by your own mother in-law, it is time to break the cycle. Let us stop fighting nature and utilize our sense of discernment for good, instead of finding ill-treating daughters in-law as an incredible pass time.
When a woman is brought to the family, it is the duty of other females, more especially her mother in-law, to welcome her into the new family circle and to make sure that she is comfortable. Chuck away, the inclination to see her as a threat as there isn’t any.
There should not be any competition between a mother in- law and her daughter in-law. Why should there be? Remember that both of you play a pivotal role in your son’s life and he needs both these relationships in his life.
Please do try to accept your daughter in-law for who she is and resist the urge to want to change her as she is as unique as you are. It will not augur well with her or your son, if you were to make her feel as if she does not or cannot measure up to your family. There is a reason why your son chose her amongst all others. He would not have done so, if he didn’t believe that she was worthy of his love and protection. You might want to tread lightly there Mama. If she is unhappy, your son will be unhappy, your grandchildren will be unhappy and that can extend to the whole family and clan as well. This is one outcome you really cannot afford to live with. She is human after all and like you, she gets hurt. A good mother will want to see her son happy and if his woman has become the source of his happiness, you cannot interfere or even attempt to drive a wedge between them. Please do step back.
If there are certain changes you see in your son, which make you uncomfortable, please establish from him, as to what is happening or has happened, prior to jumping to conclusions – especially about his wife. Your daughter in-law might not necessarily be the reason your son has changed anyway. Times do change, people grow up, they read and learn new ways of doing things. They experience a lot of pain, which might not have necessarily been as a result of marriage. Our jobs as well as other relationships with friends and colleagues, can sometimes place us in undesirable situations which are stressful. Therefore, we are bound to change as a result of such experiences. People mature as well and your son is no different. He is no longer a boy but he is a MAN.
Some wounds that are sometimes meted out by mothers in law, are very deep and are the reasons today, why grandchildren never visit their grandmothers or even loathe them. It is imperative to correct this attitude prior to things getting out of control. Family is very important.
Always encourage your son to speak to and consult with his wife. As a mother in-law, it should never excite you, when he comes home to tell you about his wife’s inadequacies. You are duty bound to call him to order and to literally send him packing.
Always make an effort of telling your daughter in-law how much you appreciate her and the positive influence she has on your son. She will welcome this will open arms.
Cut the apron strings to your son. He is no longer a baby but someone else’s husband.
Understand the leaving and cleaving part of the Scriptures (Genesis 2:24).
As humans, we know very well when we have offended others. Therefore, be sensitive to your daughter in-law’s plight and apologise when you have offended her.
Remember that you are a family unit now, whether you stay together in one house or not. Since it is every woman’s wish to have her own stamp in her own house, insisting that your son should stay with his wife in your home is never a good idea, unless it is temporarily and their fiscal circumstances dictate as such. Even then, it is highly recommended that measures should be put in place in order to help the couple get back on track, to avoid any unnecessary resentments from building up.
Tiptoeing around problems will not help anyone either. If there are issues, it is always best to discuss them in a respectful manner, ironed out and a way forward should be agreed upon.
Please bear in mind that the devil loathes coherent family units and he would like nothing more than to see families in a state of disarray. We should never give him that opportunity to rejoice at our expense.
Volunteering advice to a daughter in-law when she never requested it, has a potential of creating some kind of panic in her, whether it is well-meant or not. Sometimes a mother in-law’s desire to be of help, can sometimes be construed as being meddlesome. If you truly believe that your son and his wife could do with your wisdom in as far as anything that concerns their lives is concerned, it is advisable to pray about it first. Ask God to reveal to you, ways of bringing the topic up, without sounding critical.
It would be to a mother in-law’s advantage to pray for her daughter in-law. In fact, both of them should pray for each other. It is truly going against everything that God has entrusted on mothers and by extension, mothers in-law, if they would just sit in the shadows, waiting for the daughter in-law to fail, just so her supposed unworthiness could be exposed. The mandate is clear mothers in-law - look after your son’s wife and help her where she battles. Bring issues to God and pray about them. Ask God to show you how to love her as your own daughter, if you are battling to do so naturally.
Daughters in-law, it is equally of importance, to remember that now there are two mothers in your life. As much as you cannot even contemplate the idea of insulting your biological mother, you cannot do so to your mother in-law either. She is your mother in every way and gave birth to your husband, the one with whom you will share something very sacred – blood ties that bring off-springs into the world. At the end of the day, when all has been said and done, this woman is an elder. If there are qualms of any kind, it is best to sit her down without an audience and speak to the real woman inside of her.
Let us bear in mind that a calm tongue thwarts an angry one all the time. It is never a good idea to retaliate with insults, as that is tantamount to insulting your own mother and by extension, your husband. As mentioned in the early stages of this section, there are a number of questions a potential husband or wife needs to ask themselves or those they seek to commit to. Remember that when you say “yes” to a proposal ladies, you are saying “yes” to a number of things like:
Yes to living the rest of your life with that person.
Yes to dealing with every imprint he carries with him from his upbringing to the marriage.
Yes to being the mother of the whole clan.
Yes to pregnancy – it’s always advisable to speak about this matter and not make assumptions, that the other party does want to have children and will be able to deal with the impact on her body as well as her emotions and hormones.
Yes to no longer thinking about yourself only.
Yes to taking care of the elders in the family.
Yes to everything that your man is responsible for at home and a whole host of other things he might have craftily neglected to mention - which are likely to resurface once you are married.
Yes to dealing with everything that plagues his mind, body and spirit.
Finally, here’s an example of the Lionesses’ pride. They hunt in a group. The reason is because they know that there is a likelihood of a successful kill if they hunt together. The theory is simple as to why they hunt in groups. They do so because they need to control exclusive hunting grounds so they could share food with the relatives. It is time we do that as women. Let us tackle things together as we are all on the same mission. If a mother is not happy and “sneezes”, the whole clan catches a cold and feels the effects of her unhappiness and that is not the kind of life anyone wants to live…”
©2017 Pertunia Lehoka, Pretoria, South Africa
Volume 1, Issue 1
All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, or by any means – electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or other, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote excerpts in a review.
Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc, Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.
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Lastly, please note that I will be closing on the 20th of December and shall resume work again on the 8th of January 2018. This is when I will advise full details of when you can pre-order your copy of "HEART & SOUL".
