Exquisite Pamper

08/07/2026

Where the Candles Refuse to Die

The manor keeps its vigil still.

Its ancient bones remember names
the living no longer dare to speak,
while ivy strangles weathered stone
with the patience of forgotten centuries.

Each evening,
I light the candelabras
one trembling flame at a time,
as though their frail glow
might persuade the darkness
to loosen its grip upon these halls.

It never does.

The portraits watch with hollow eyes,
their gilded frames heavy
with secrets buried beneath black lace.
The grandfather clock mourns
each passing hour
like a priest tolling bells
for souls never laid to rest.

Beyond stained glass,
the moon hangs low—
a pale widow dressed in silver,
mourning lovers
scattered by oceans
too vast for mortal longing.

And there is you.

Not in these corridors,
nor upon the winding staircase
where shadows gather like mourners.

You breathe beneath another sky,
where dawn kisses your window
as midnight kneels before mine.

Still...

I feel your presence
as surely as one feels
the hush before a ghost appears.

For you have wandered
through the ruined chambers of my heart
without disturbing the dust,
without recoiling
from the spectres that have taken my name.

You know which memories
creak behind locked doors.

Which smiles are stitched together
with black thread.

Which silences
are merely grief
dressed as composure.

Others speak
to the face I offer.

You speak
to the soul hidden beneath mourning veils.

Then, as the candles surrender
to pools of molten wax,
your message arrives—

so slight
it could vanish
between one heartbeat
and the next.

"Sleep, my dearest."

No trumpet announces it.

No choir sanctifies it.

Only the hush
of a dying fire
and the soft exhale
of a lonely house
that finally believes
morning may yet return.

If ghosts are born
from unfinished love,
then let me haunt these halls forever.

Let ravens nest
within the bell tower.

Let roses bloom black
upon forgotten graves.

For I have learned
that eternity is not measured
by the turning of clocks,
nor by the decay of stone.

It is measured
by the soul
who crosses impossible distances
to find yours...

and leaves behind
a whisper so gentle
that even death,
listening from the threshold,

chooses to wait
just one more night.

06/07/2026

Across the ocean,
you found me—
all wildfire pulse and sharpened edges,
a heart too used to burning
just to prove it was alive.

I had made a home
inside my own ruin,
wore my loneliness like armor,
let silence sleep beside me
like it belonged there.

Then came your voice—
soft as moonlight on black water,
steady as the tide,
and somehow strong enough
to cross every mile between us
and still reach the most guarded parts of me.

You speak,
and something inside me surrenders.

Not in defeat—
but in relief.

As if my soul has been clenching
for years
and your words are the first thing
gentle enough
to make it open.

You tame the wild fire of my heart
without ever asking it to be less.
You do not fear the blaze in me,
do not flinch from the heat,
do not try to drown it—
you touch it with tenderness
until the flames lean toward you
like they have finally found
something worth warming
instead of destroying.

And God,
the way you love me from afar
should feel impossible—
but it doesn’t.

It feels like salt air and devotion,
like midnight prayers whispered into pillows,
like aching distance made holy
by the promise of you.

My heart melts at the sound of your name.
At the thought of your hands
that I cannot yet hold,
your lips I have not yet kissed,
the way your love still wraps around me
through screens, through time zones,
through waves that should have kept us strangers.

But they didn’t.

Because somehow
your words carry more than sound—
they carry comfort,
they carry longing,
they carry a love so warm
it reaches through the cold of the world
and finds me every time.

So here I am,
on this side of the ocean,
loving you with a full and trembling heart,
letting your voice soothe the storm in me,
letting your tenderness undo me
in the quietest ways.

And if this is what love can do
from thousands of miles away—
if this is how deeply you can hold me
without ever touching my skin—
then I know the sea is not a barrier.

It is only the distance
between one heartbeat
and the home it has already chosen.

06/07/2026

He Calls It Teeth

They mistake you for ruin
because you wear fury so well.

Because your silence has claws,
because your gaze lands like a blade
set carefully against the throat of the world.
You move like something born
in the aftermath of fire—
all sharp edges,
all warning signs,
all beautiful threat.

People see the storm in you
and think that is all you are.

They do not see
the way your hands soften
when they find mine in the dark,
as if I am something holy
you are afraid to break.

They do not know
that the mouth capable of cruelty
has kissed every scar on my body
like an apology written in heat.
That your anger is for the world,
never for me.
That your violence lives only
in the places that have tried to devour you,
and somehow, still—
you chose tenderness.

You, with your wolf-blood devotion.
You, with your savage loyalty.
You, who would burn down kingdoms
just to keep me warm.

There is something almost sinful
in the way you love—
not gentle, no,
never gentle—
but reverent in its own brutal language.

You love me like a vow
made in a graveyard.
Like a promise with blood under its nails.
Like if the world reached for me wrong,
you would teach it fear
in a language only monsters speak.

And yet—

you remember the smallest things.

The way I take my coffee.
The songs I only hum
when sadness is chewing through my ribs.
The look on my face before I say
I’m fine
when I am anything but.

You tuck your love into strange places:
in the coat you drape over my shoulders
without a word,
in the side of the bed you warm for me first,
in the way you stand slightly closer
when the room feels hostile,
as if your body has already decided
it will be my shelter.

Your romance does not come in roses.
It comes in sharpened instinct.
In devotion with its sleeves rolled up.
In the sacred brutality of being chosen
by someone who knows exactly
how ugly this world can be
and loves you softly anyway.

That is what they never understand about you—
that beneath the snarl
lives a heart embarrassingly tender,
a thing stitched together with old damage
and impossible affection.

A heart that would rather bite its own tongue bloody
than say how deeply it feels,
so instead it shows me
in protection,
in patience,
in the way you look at me
like I am the only quiet place
you have ever found.

My fierce lover,
my beautiful catastrophe—
you pretend your love is made of iron,
but I have held it in my hands.

It is not iron.

It is a candle cupped against the dark,
flame trembling, stubborn, alive—
still burning
even in a body built for war.

05/07/2026

The Last Thing You Taught Me

You held my life
like a blade wrapped in velvet—
all soft voice,
gentle hands,
carefully rehearsed concern,
while your fingers tightened
around the part of me
that still wanted to believe love
wasn’t supposed to hurt like this.

You made fear feel domestic.

You tucked it into the corners of the house,
into the pauses between your footsteps,
into the air before the front door opened,
into every silence that dragged too long
and every kindness that arrived
with teeth hidden behind it.

I learned to read weather
from the shape of your mouth.
Learned how to shrink before impact.
How to swallow apologies
for things I hadn’t done yet.
How to keep my voice small,
my breathing shallow,
my existence neat enough
to maybe avoid becoming
the next thing you broke.

But you never needed a reason.

You only needed my pulse beneath your hand,
my panic bright in your eyes,
my life cupped there
like something fragile enough to crush
and too frightened to fight back.

And God—
I was drowning.

Not in water,
but in you.

In the way you filled every room
until there was nowhere left to stand
that did not belong to your anger.
In the way your love was always a hand
at the back of my neck—
gentle enough to confuse me,
firm enough to keep me under.

You told me there was nowhere to go.
No one who would believe me.
No safety beyond you.
No kindness waiting outside your shadow.
You made the world sound hungrier than you,
as if your cruelty was shelter,
as if your cage was mercy,
as if surviving you
should have felt like gratitude.

So I stayed
long enough to forget
what my own voice sounded like
without your name wrapped around its throat.

Long enough to think
this was all I was worth:
a body built for flinching,
a heart trained to beg,
a soul reduced to a locked room
where every window opened
back into your hands.

You wanted me drowning.
Wanted me gasping up at you
like you were God instead of the flood.
Wanted me small,
pliant,
half-erased—
a thing that mistook terror for devotion
because you had starved it of everything else.

But here is the last thing you taught me:

Even drowning things
learn to bite.

Even things dragged under long enough
come back with the ocean in their lungs
and vengeance in their teeth.

I left carrying your voice in my ribs
like shrapnel.
Left with fear stitched into my skin,
with panic that still wakes me
at the sound of footsteps,
with tenderness that still feels
like a trapdoor beneath my feet.

You do not vanish
just because I escaped you.

You still live in the flinch.
In the locked jaw.
In the instinct to apologize
for taking up space.
In the way my body braces
for cruelty that is no longer here.

But listen to me carefully—

that is all you have left.

A ghost in my blood.
An echo with no hands.
A wound, yes—
but no longer a weapon.

You once held my life
like it was yours to crush.
Now all you hold
is the memory of someone
you failed to kill correctly.

I am not in your house anymore.
Not under your hands.
Not beneath your flood.

And if I still drown now,
it is only in the aftermath—
in the wreckage you left behind,
in the dark water of remembering.

But I am no longer begging you
for air.

I would rather choke on the truth
than breathe one more lie from your mouth.

You taught me fear.
You taught me silence.
You taught me how easily love
can rot into a weapon.

But you also taught me
what survives.

Something meaner than obedience.
Something colder than grief.
Something with your fingerprints
still bruised around its throat,
standing anyway.

So if you ever wonder
what became of the life
you tried to keep in your hands—

it grew teeth.

And one day,
when your own darkness finally rises
to swallow you whole,
I hope it does so
with my name
still lodged like a bone
in your throat.

03/07/2026

A Life Conducted Without Me

My life is a séance
where everyone speaks for me
and no one notices
I am still alive in the room.

They gather around my future
like mourners around a body,
soft-voiced and certain,
dividing what remains of me
into acceptable pieces.
This year belongs here.
That dream is impractical.
That love is inconvenient.
That part of her must be cut away
before it embarrasses the family.

And I stand there—
warm, breathing,
heart still dragging itself through my ribs—
while they discuss me
with the tenderness reserved for the dead.

I have become a hallway
other people pass through
on their way to their own comfort.
A blueprint pinned to the wall.
An empty field for someone else’s house.
A name spoken only
when attached to an expectation.

No one asks what I wanted.
No one pauses long enough
to hear the teeth of my silence grinding together.
They only hand me a life
already wrapped, already chosen,
and wait for gratitude
like executioners waiting for applause.

The cruelness of it
is almost elegant.

How they call it care
while pressing my throat
beneath the velvet glove of concern.
How they call it love
while carving my future
into something small enough
to fit inside their comfort.
How they bury me in decisions
and still expect me to bloom.

I am never alone,
and yet loneliness stalks me
with the patience of a priest.

It sits beside me at dinner
while the table decides
what my next five years will look like.
It follows me through crowded rooms
where laughter bursts like fireworks
and still cannot touch the dark
curled inside my chest.
It tucks itself into my shadow
and whispers what no one else will admit:

You are not a person here.
You are a project.
A vessel.
A puppet held upright
by strings woven from guilt and obedience.

Sometimes I think
the loneliest place on earth
is not an empty room
but the center of a crowd
that has mistaken possession for love.

To be seen only as potential.
To be touched only as obligation.
To be spoken over
until your own voice begins to sound foreign,
like something overheard
through the wall of another life.

So I smile when they need me to.
I nod when they hand me another future
stitched from my disappearance.
I stand in the middle of their plans
like a co**se arranged for viewing—
painted, posed, almost beautiful,
if you ignore the fact
that something inside me
is still screaming.

And maybe that is what I am now:

not living,
not gone,
just haunting the life
they built over my body,
watching everyone celebrate
the shape of a cage
they swear was meant to keep me safe.

02/07/2026

Something new is here ✨

I’m so excited to officially start selling Sh'Zen products!

This is the beginning of a journey built with passion, purpose, and products I can’t wait to share with you.

Thank you for being part of it 💜

02/06/2026

28/05/2026

Dog-Eared Child

Children are not meant
to memorize moods.

Not meant to study footsteps
like scripture.

But I became an expert
in the sound of doors closing,
in the smell of rage before impact,
in shrinking.

God, how I shrank.

Folded myself into corners
until I looked less like a person
and more like forgotten laundry.

Still—
you found reasons to hurt me.

12/05/2026

Tethered by Absence

We exist in the spaces between signals,
in the hum of wires stretched too thin to carry touch.
Your voice arrives like a ghost—
warm, familiar, and impossible to hold.

I have memorized the shape of your silence,
how it lingers after the call drops,
how it curls around my ribs
like smoke that refuses to leave.

Time is cruel here—
it moves, but never forward enough.
Each day a dull blade,
carving your absence deeper into me.

I pine in quiet rituals—
your name traced into cold sheets,
your laughter replayed until it fractures,
your absence fed like a sacred wound.

There are nights I swear I feel you—
a phantom hand grazing my spine,
a breath that is not mine
haunting the hollow beside me.

But morning always unmakes the illusion.
Distance stands again, vast and merciless,
a continent of longing
I must cross without moving.

Still, I wait.

Through the ache, through the static,
through the slow erosion of certainty—
I wait.

Because somewhere beyond this endless stretch of not-yet,
there is a moment where distance dies,
where your skin meets mine
and all this starving finally has a name:

home.

09/05/2026

Love Beyond Distance

There are nights
I swear your soul leans against mine—
soft as smoke,
heavy as grief.

You are nowhere near me,
yet everywhere at once.

In the dark,
my body remembers hands
it has never truly held,
aches for a mouth
it cannot reach without dreaming.

Distance is a cruel god.
It lets us hear each other breathe
through wires and silence,
lets us fall in love with ghosts
wearing human voices.

I would cross oceans barefoot
if it meant one real moment—
one touch to prove
you are more than light on a screen,
more than a pulse inside my ribs.

But instead
I kiss the emptiness beside me
and pretend it answers back.

Our souls meet in places
our bodies are forbidden from entering.
Somewhere beyond sleep,
beyond time,
beyond the cold machinery of this world,
you hold me completely.

And maybe that is the curse—
to love someone so deeply
that the spirit reaches them effortlessly,
while the flesh remains stranded
on its own lonely shore.