Shadeofgrey Cottage

04/09/2026

DAY 17 of 30— ARE YOU OKAY?

STOP EXPLAINING AND JUSTIFYING YOURSELF

You don’t have to.

You don’t have to produce a detailed argument for why something hurt you.

You don’t have to convince someone that your boundary is reasonable.

You don’t have to explain why you need space, why you changed your mind, why you said no, why you’re tired, why you don’t want to go, why you don’t want to talk about something, or why you are choosing differently now.

And you especially do not have to keep explaining yourself to someone who repeatedly twists your words, dismisses your feelings, challenges every answer, or uses every explanation as another opening to argue.

Sometimes over-explaining is not communication anymore.

It is you trying to earn permission to have a feeling, a boundary or a decision.

There comes a point where you have to stop asking:

“How can I make them understand?”

and start asking:

“What does their response tell me?”

Because sometimes they do understand.

They simply do not accept your answer.

And that is different.

There is also another behaviour that can happen in unhealthy or abusive relationships that people do not always have a name for.

Hounding.

One question becomes ten.

You answer.

They challenge the answer.

You explain again.

They pick apart one word.

You clarify.

Something else gets brought into it.

The subject changes.

You defend yourself again.

You try to bring the conversation back.

Then suddenly you are defending something you were not even discussing in the first place.

Hours can pass like this.

Circular arguments.

Contradictions.

Accusations.

Old grievances.

Changing subjects.

What many people describe as word salad.

And eventually you are exhausted.

You cannot think properly anymore.

You are confused.

You just want it to stop.

So you apologise.

Or agree.

Or give in.

Not because you suddenly believe they are right.

But because you desperately want some peace.

And sometimes that exhaustion is exactly what makes a person easier to control.

Sometimes the other person can even seem almost hyped up by the conflict.

They want to mentally spar.

Debate.

Challenge.

Correct.

Push.

Keep the interaction going.

Meanwhile, you are becoming smaller and smaller inside yourself.

You may spend years trying to work out what they actually want from these moments.

An apology?

Reassurance?

Control?

For you to agree with them?

For you to admit you were wrong?

For you to become emotional too?

You may never know.

And you do not have to know.

Whatever need they are trying to meet in that moment, you are not responsible for meeting it for them.

Their need to continue the conflict does not cancel your right to disengage.

In one relationship, I was physically assaulted for saying:

“Blood is thicker than water.”

That was it.

A sentence.

And that is something I want people to understand about abusive relationships.

Sometimes you spend years analysing what you said, how you said it, whether your tone was wrong, whether you should have stayed quiet, whether you somehow caused the reaction.

But healthy people do not physically assault you because they dislike a sentence you said.

You should not have to carefully calculate every word in case it causes an explosion.

And if you constantly have to be careful what you say, how you say it, what mood they are in, what expression is on your face, or whether a harmless comment might cause trouble...

you are not with your tribe.

You should have the freedom to express yourself.

To be funny.

Creative.

Opinionated.

Silly.

Passionate.

Quiet.

Excited.

Curious.

Serious.

To tell stories.

To have ideas.

To change your mind.

To say something imperfectly.

To speak without second-guessing every word that leaves your mouth.

And you should not have to justify every part of who you are.

People who genuinely love you and like you generally enjoy you.

They enjoy your personality.

Your thoughts.

Your expressions.

Your quirks.

Your humour.

Your ideas.

They may disagree with you sometimes — of course they will.

Healthy relationships are not about agreeing on everything.

But disagreement should not become hounding, humiliation, intimidation, punishment or harm.

You should still feel free to be yourself.

YOU ARE DEFINITELY ALLOWED TO DISENGAGE.

You are allowed to stop answering.

You are allowed to say:

“I’m not continuing this conversation.”

You are allowed to say:

“I need time to think.”

You are allowed to leave the room.

You are allowed to go for a walk.

You are allowed to sit quietly.

You are allowed to come back to the conversation later.

And sometimes you are allowed to decide that there is simply nothing more you need to say.

You do not have to stand or sit for hours while somebody talks you into submission.

You do not owe anyone unlimited access to your mind, your emotions or your nervous system.

Being followed from room to room, cornered, blocked from leaving, repeatedly pressured to keep talking, or refused space to calm down and think is not healthy conflict resolution.

If someone will not allow you to disengage, that is a serious red flag.

A healthy partner can tolerate hearing:

“I need a break.”

“I’m not discussing this anymore tonight.”

“I need time to think.”

“We can come back to this when we are both calmer.”

And remember this:

If you have explained yourself clearly once, you do not owe somebody twenty more versions of the same explanation just because they refuse to accept your answer.

You do not have to keep saying:

“I’m sorry, but…”

“I only did it because…”

“I didn’t mean…”

“I just thought…”

“Please don’t be angry…”

You are allowed to become comfortable with shorter answers.

No.

I don’t want to.

That hurt me.

I have changed my mind.

I need space.

This is not working for me.

Those are answers.

Disengaging does not mean you are rude.

It does not mean you are weak.

It does not mean you “lost” the argument.

And it does not mean the other person was right.

Sometimes disengaging is simply recognising that the conversation stopped being a conversation a long time ago.

It became pressure.

Hounding.

Interrogation.

Mental sparring.

Circular arguing.

Or an attempt to wear you down until you surrender just to make it stop.

You are allowed to disengage.

You are allowed to take space.

You are allowed to think without somebody standing over you demanding an answer.

You are allowed to be fully yourself without fear of what it might cost you.

And you do not have to justify that either.

💛 Are you okay?
Shadeofgrey Cottage

Why I created the “Are You Okay?” campaign 💛

This series is not only about domestic violence.

It is about relationships that slowly make you feel smaller.

Relationships where you are constantly second-guessing yourself, explaining yourself, walking on eggshells, being hounded, manipulated, controlled, dismissed, confused or emotionally exhausted.

It is about unhealthy and toxic relationship patterns that may not always look dramatic from the outside.

Sometimes there are no bruises.

Sometimes there is no shouting.

Sometimes the harm is in the constant criticism, the intimidation, the silent treatment, the financial control, the isolation, the threats, the emotional pressure, the endless arguments, or the feeling that you can no longer freely be yourself.

The purpose of this campaign is not to tell people what decisions to make.

It is to help people recognise patterns.

To give language to things they may have been experiencing for years but never had a name for.

To encourage people to ask themselves:

Do I feel safe?
Do I feel respected?
Am I allowed to be myself?
Can I say no?
Can I take space?
Can I disagree without being punished?
Am I okay?

And sometimes, simply recognising that something is not healthy is the beginning of change.

💛 Are You Okay? — 30 days of relationship awareness

03/09/2026

03/09/2026

At Shadeofgrey Cottage, your massage is tailored to what your body needs that day — whether that’s focused remedial work, gentle relaxation, hot stones, or simply helping those grumpy muscles settle down.

🌿 Shadeofgrey Cottage
730 Main North Rd, Belfast, Christchurch
📱 Text to book: 027 698 8226

Where massage is a necessity, not just a luxury.
And yes… “I slept funny” is a perfectly acceptable reason to book a massage. 😂

03/09/2026

Too hot for Head of Dept today

02/09/2026

💛 ARE YOU OKAY? — DAY 16 of 30 days in this series. 🌻You got out 🌻 You are a survivor 💜

Now give yourself time on your own to become your own safe space. Learn about you and who you were before the relationship. Your favourite music, YOUR favourite everything.

After I left my marriage, there were moments designed to pull at my heart.

A song with meaning played down the phone. But it was too little too late. I needed to thrive not just survive. He suppressed me to the point where I was feeling invisible, worthless, silently bullied, ignored, not of any value.

What I couldn’t explain was all the things that had been swept under the carpet that I had tried to keep from being seen for years and years.

The days and weeks and months of him being sullen and not speaking to me. Telling me to shut the baby up during the night. I'd say hello when he arrived home and i'd get a sneer "what are you wearing that for."

The boys’ trips he could somehow afford while there wasn’t money for me to buy a new bra.

A workdo and him spending the whole afternoon hugging the receptionist. So many moments.. he didn't care.

How terribly alone I had become.

How many days & nights I cried alone...just to hear him arrive home at 4am singing up the road, note in his wallet from another women. 3 friendship/affairs that I knew of.

How deeply my mental health had deteriorated.

And the fact that after I left, he had hit me in the face while I was holding our baby.

I couldn’t go back to that life. My baby deserved a happy Mummy.

But almost nobody knew how bad things had become.

Because from the outside, I still shone.

I smiled.

I functioned.

I carried on.

Until I couldn’t.

But I hadn’t healed yet.

And I moved from one relationship into another.

I had jumped from the frying pan into the fire.

I had spent years living in what felt like an emotional desert.

I was desperately yearning for closeness.

For affection.

For somebody to hold my hand.

For romance.

For somebody who actually seemed to want to be with me.

So when somebody came along offering exactly those things, it felt intoxicating.

I didn’t know then that everything I had been starved of was exactly what would feel most powerful to me.

I thought I had finally found what had been missing.

Instead, that relationship became a hellish nightmare that took me seven years to completely untwine myself from.

And this is why I want to say something very clearly to the woman who has just left:

Please give yourself permission to be alone.

Not forever.

Just long enough to meet yourself again.

Give yourself distance and time.

Learn what you like.

Learn what peace feels like.

Learn what your boundaries are.

Learn to recognise loneliness without immediately trying to escape it.

Become your own best friend.

Sit and cry if you need to.

Cry in the shower.

Cry in bed.

Be angry.

Grieve what you hoped the relationship would become.

Miss the good moments.

Miss having somebody beside you....and my hope for you is that one day you will wake up on a Sunday morning to the sounds of the birds in the morning sun and you will feel an unusual feeling of just being happy in your own skin. Your worth is not by what you do, not by how much money you have in the bank not by who you are attached to... but your amazing wisdom, sense of growth, ability to reflect and brace enough to make changes. You will like yourself. And you will protect that sense of peace fiercely.

None of those negative feelings mean that leaving was a mistake. Feelings pass. Feelings change. You can miss someone, love someone, grieve them — and still know that going back is not right for you.

And please be careful not only about who comes along next — but about what feels attractive to you while you are still wounded.

When you have lived without affection, attention can feel like love.

When you have lived with silence, consistant communication & someone asking questions as a desire to know you, can feel extraordinary.

When you have been rejected, being intensely wanted can feel irresistible.

When you have spent years emotionally starving, somebody arriving with a feast can feel like the answer to everything.

But intensity is not automatically intimacy.

Attention is not automatically safety.

And romance is not automatically love.

Be careful what feels like love when you have only just escaped loneliness.

After separation, the person you left may also suddenly become the version of them you spent years wishing for.

There may be songs.

Flowers.

Notes.

Promises.

Apologies.

Declarations of love.

Family members asking you to reconsider.

Suddenly they communicate.

Suddenly they notice you.

Suddenly they understand.

And be careful of something else.

Your goodness may be exactly what they try to reach for when they want you back.

Your compassion.

Your empathy.

Your tendency to forgive.

Your loyalty.

Your ability to see the best in people.

Your willingness to understand why somebody behaves the way they do.

Those are beautiful qualities.

But in the wrong hands, they can become the very qualities somebody appeals to when they want access to you again.

They may tell you they are broken.

That nobody understands them like you do.

That they need you.

That they cannot cope without you.

That you are the only person who truly knows them.

And because you are a caring person, part of you may want to rescue them.

Be careful.

Compassion does not require you to return.

Forgiveness does not require reconciliation.

Understanding somebody’s pain does not mean you have to place yourself back inside it.

You can wish somebody well from a distance.

You can still be a good person and say:

“No. I am not going back.”

Your goodness is not a weakness.

But protect it.

Not everybody who reaches for your heart deserves access to it.

And when all of that emotion starts pulling at you, you may think:

“Maybe this time it really will be different.”

Remember why you left.

There was more to the relationship than the moment you finally walked out.

There were months or years that brought you to that door.

And returning does not erase what happened.

In some abusive relationships, separation and reconciliation can also be periods when control or violence escalates, so please take your safety seriously and seek specialist support if you are frightened of what may happen next. Don't fall for false apologies, false hope, false potential. Safety first! Safety from someone else's moods, mind games, threats to property, narcissistic traits and physical & sexual violence, intimidation and or emotional manipulation.

There was also a sentence I held onto while I was trying to emotionally separate myself.

It came from the movie Labyrinth:

“You have no power over me.”

I would say it to myself.

Not because another person suddenly stopped having the ability to hurt, manipulate or frighten me.

But because I needed to remind myself that I was taking my own mind and my own life back.

You have no power over my decision.

You have no power over the future I choose.

You have no power over whether I return.

For me, it took around three years on my own before I genuinely began to see the light on a completely new path.

That isn’t a timetable everybody has to follow.

It was simply how long I needed.

Looking back, that time alone was incredibly important.

Because eventually you stop asking:

“Who is going to love me?”

And start asking:

“Do I love the life I am creating for myself?”

That changes everything.

You do not need to immediately replace the relationship you escaped.

You need somewhere safe enough to hear your own voice again.

Distance. Time. Healing. Yourself first.

Don’t let the unbearable loneliness of leaving choose your next relationship for you.

Give yourself time on your own to become your own safe space.

Love your space my fellow survivor, it's where you'll find yourself 🧡

💛 Are you okay?

— Shadeofgrey Cottage ~cuppas & hugs are free in the Cottage
*by appointment only for confidentiality reasons

31/08/2026

💧 Feeling puffy, heavy or just in need of something deeply gentle?

Manual Lymphatic Drainage is one of the softest treatments I offer at the Cottage — but gentle doesn’t mean insignificant.

Using slow, light, rhythmic movements, the treatment is designed to support the natural movement of lymphatic fluid through the body.

Clients often tell me they leave feeling:

• more relaxed
• lighter
• less puffy
• less “heavy” through the body

Some also report that their clothes feel a little looser afterwards.

Everyone responds differently, so I never promise a particular result.

🌿 What can a sluggish lymphatic system feel like?

People sometimes describe:

• general puffiness
• swollen fingers, ankles or feet
• a heavy or “full” feeling in the limbs
• feeling more swollen after sitting or standing for long periods
• tightness from fluid build-up
• clothes, shoes or rings feeling tighter than usual

These symptoms can have many different causes, so ongoing, sudden or unexplained swelling should always be medically assessed rather than assumed to be a lymphatic problem.

💧 A quick terminology guide

Lymphoedema = swelling caused by a problem with the lymphatic drainage system.

Lipoedema = a condition involving abnormal fat distribution, usually affecting the legs and sometimes arms, often with tenderness and easy bruising.

Oedema = the general word for swelling or fluid build-up from many possible causes.

Manual Lymphatic Drainage (MLD) = the gentle massage technique used to encourage the movement of lymphatic fluid.

🌿 What is lymphoedema?

Lymphoedema is more than ordinary fluid retention.

It happens when the lymphatic system is unable to adequately drain lymph fluid from an area, causing persistent swelling, most commonly in an arm or leg.

It may occur because lymph nodes or lymph vessels have been damaged, removed or have not developed normally.

Symptoms can include:

• persistent swelling
• heaviness or aching
• tightness in the skin
• reduced movement or flexibility
• clothing or jewellery becoming tighter
• skin changes as the condition progresses

With established lymphoedema, massage alone is usually not enough to manage the condition.

Specialist lymphoedema care may include compression garments, exercise, skin care and specialised lymphatic techniques.

Gentle lymphatic drainage may sometimes be included as part of treatment, but results can be more limited than they are for someone experiencing temporary puffiness or mild fluid retention.

The same applies to lipoedema — it is a different condition involving abnormal fat distribution and tenderness, and lymphatic drainage will not remove the underlying fat tissue.

🌿 Important

Sudden one-sided swelling, unexplained swelling, redness, heat, severe pain, shortness of breath or rapid changes in swelling should be medically assessed before massage.

At the Cottage, I always take your health history into account and will adapt, postpone or decline treatment if massage isn’t appropriate.

💛 Manual Lymphatic Drainage
45-minute session — $75

Multiple-session packages available
3 sessions — $210
4 sessions — $280

💳 We accept all major credit cards, eftpos & afterpay. No surcharge.

Available at Shadeofgrey Cottage

Gentle. Relaxing. Thoughtful bodywork.

Where massage is a necessity, not just a luxury.

30/08/2026

ARE YOU OKAY? Series by Shadeofgrey Cottage — DAY 15 of 30 💛
MAKE A SAFETY PLAN BEFORE YOU NEED IT

Leaving an abusive/harmful/detrimental/controlling relationship is not always something a woman can do suddenly.

Sometimes she needs time to think, prepare, quietly gather what she may need, work out where the children will go, make sure the pets are safe, and find one person she can genuinely trust.

But I want to say this clearly:

If you are reading this and thinking, “I need a safety plan,” then you are not okay.

You should not have to hide cash, keep spare keys, store an emergency phone, arrange a safe word, plan where your children and pets will go, or work out how to leave your own home safely.

Those are not normal relationship precautions.

They are signs that something is seriously wrong.

A safety plan is there to help protect you while you prepare — not to make an unsafe relationship safe enough to stay in.

If you need this plan, please start reaching out for support and start thinking seriously about getting yourself, your children and your pets to safety.

You do not have to wait until something worse happens before deciding that enough is enough.

SOMETIMES “LEAVE” IS NOT ENOUGH

Years ago, when I was an adult and in my own abusive relationship, I remember a detective phoning me from the Police station and asking first:

“Are you safe to talk?”

He was kind, patient and caring.

He encouraged me to go back to my family.

What he did not know was that I felt deeply ashamed. My family had cut me off, and at that point I genuinely believed I had no one and nowhere safe to go.

I could not even bring myself to tell him that.

Looking back now, I realise what I desperately needed was not only someone saying:

“Go somewhere safe.”

I needed someone to say:

“I can help you work out where to go.”
“I can help you make a plan.”
“I can help you move.”
“You do not have to figure all of this out by yourself.”

That is what isolation can do.

A person can be standing on the other end of the phone offering help, and you can still feel completely alone because you cannot see how to turn that advice into action.

All these years later, I still remember that detective’s kindness.

I wish I knew who he was, because I would like to thank him.

And I also wish someone had understood that sometimes a woman does not need another person telling her to leave.

Sometimes she needs someone willing to help her actually get out and go somewhere she can belong. Remind her it will take time and can be emotionally hard making positive changes but they can and do happen if she can be focused and realise her relationship addiction needs to be broken and like any addiction, it takes time and focus which places like SHE in Chch offer Women’s Domestic Violence Education Programmes, support groups, referral services, individual or group support, and a Thursday drop-in coffee group. Their programmes are Ministry of Justice accredited.

For Christchurch, the current contact details are:
SHE (Support, Heal, Empower) — formerly Battered Women’s Trust
Office: (03) 332 4122
Email: [email protected]
24/7 crisis support: 0800 REFUGE / 0800 733 843

There’s also West Christchurch Women’s Refuge, which runs workshops on recognising controlling or abusive relationships and has a Whānau Resilience Service focused on recovery after leaving, rebuilding confidence, trust and self-worth. Their Christchurch number is 03 379 0575.

So if you can; START WITH ONE TRUSTED PERSON. But I write this gingerly, as I had the experience of reaching out to someone I trusted and they broke my trust terribly.

Choose someone who understands the seriousness of the situation.

Someone who will keep your plans private and be patient with you as you find your light.

Someone who will not confront your partner, accidentally disclose what you are doing, or put you at greater risk.

If it is safe, you can slowly begin storing emergency supplies with them over time.

I have put the practical tick-box checklist on the posters so you can save it to your phone or print it.

A NOTE ABOUT OLDER BOYS OR TEENAGE SONS

In the early 1980s, when my mother needed refuge, she was not allowed to take two of my three brothers with her because they were considered too old for the refuge accommodation.

Only my youngest brother and I could go with her.

My other brothers were left with an aunt in another town.

They were confused, hurt and suddenly separated from their mother and siblings at a time when everything in our family was already frightening and unstable.

That separation had consequences that lasted far beyond the immediate crisis.

It is a grief and separation I still carry.

Today, refuge policies and accommodation options can be different.

If you have older boys or teenage sons, ask specifically what arrangements can be made for your whole family before you are in an emergency. Think about friends they have they could go stay with without feeling like you have abandoned them.

Do not assume you have nowhere to go.

Ask:

“What happens to my teenage sons if I need refuge tonight?”

Their safety, attachment and emotional wellbeing matter too.

SMALL STEPS STILL COUNT

You do not have to prepare everything in one day.

It might begin with one photocopied document.

One spare key.

A small amount of cash tucked somewhere safe.

A current fuel voucher.

A toothbrush and some clothes stored with someone you trust.

A spare emergency phone and charger.

A cat carrier, bird cage or dog lead ready to grab.

One safe word.

One trusted person who truly understands what is happening.

Small steps can create options.

And sometimes having options is the beginning of getting safe.

NEW ZEALAND HELP

Emergency — Police, Fire or Ambulance: 111

If it is not safe to speak on a 111 call, stay on the line and follow the call-taker’s prompts.

Women’s Refuge: 0800 REFUGE — 0800 733 843

Are You OK?: 0800 456 450

If you are supporting someone living with family violence, do not shame her, pressure her or demand that she leave.

Remind her, its not okay and there's no excuse for bad behaviour but Help her build options.

Help her make a plan.

Help her reach the right support.

And if you can safely help with the practical things — transport, packing, storing documents, children, pets, somewhere to stay — then offer that too.

Because sometimes the difference is not hearing “You should leave.”

Sometimes the difference is hearing:

“I will help you get out.” 💛

Shadeofgrey Cottage

29/08/2026

A quick reminder: abuse is not only physical

It can look like:
silent treatment used to punish or control, threats, coercive control, intimidation, spitting, throwing a drink in your face, swearing at you, damaging property, taking or hiding your keys, blocking you in a room or doorway, restricting access to your children, controlling money, monitoring your phone, deliberately disappearing or leaving without telling you in ways that create fear or instability, demanding explanations for where you’ve been or who you’ve spoken to, repeatedly provoking arguments, interrogating you, or making you feel you must constantly justify yourself.

It can also be the look on someone’s face — contempt, disgust, ridicule or a deliberately demeaning expression that makes you feel small, stupid or worthless. Or include comments like "What are you wearing?" Or "Put a bloody smile on your face."

It can be moodiness & sulleness at home with you but they can turn on lightness and brightness in front of others.

Not every disagreement, forgotten errand or facial expression or mood is abuse.

But when these behaviours form a pattern of fear, control, humiliation, punishment, unpredictability or intimidation, that matters.

Day 14 of 30 ~ARE YOU OKAY Series?
— What happens next? -

Sometimes the hardest part is not deciding to leave.
It is what happens after she decides she needs help.

She may call Police.
She may leave with the children.
She may quietly speak to a lawyer.
She may start making plans.
And then something confusing can happen.
Once the immediate danger has passed, she may suddenly become worried about him.
She may ask if he is okay.
She may minimise what happened.
She may worry he will lose his job.
She may worry about what his family will think.
She may feel guilty about Police being involved.
She may say she doesn’t want anything further to happen.

She may even start thinking about going back.

To outsiders, that can look irrational.
“Why are you protecting him after what he just did?”

But if she has spent years watching his moods, calming him, avoiding conflict, keeping him happy and putting his needs ahead of her own, that response may have become deeply conditioned.

Her nervous system may have learned:
Keep him calm.
Keep him okay.
Keep the peace.
Survive what happens next.

So even after a frightening incident, she may instinctively start protecting him again.

That does not mean the incident didn’t happen.

It does not mean she wasn’t frightened.

And it does not mean she no longer needs help.

Sometimes she still loves him
She may still want the relationship.
She may still hope he will change.
She may desperately want the family to stay together.

Those feelings can exist at the same time as knowing the relationship is no longer safe.

But children are living in that environment too.

They may tell a teacher.
A neighbour may hear something.
A doctor may become concerned.
School behaviour may change.
Or the children themselves may eventually start talking about what is happening at home.
And once other people become aware that children are being exposed to violence, threats, fear or coercive control, decisions about safety may no longer remain private within the family.

That does not automatically mean children will be removed.

But it can mean Police, Oranga Tamariki, lawyers or the Family Court become involved in deciding what needs to happen to keep them safe.

And that can lead to a very hard question:
If you are struggling to keep yourself safe from this person, what needs to change so you can keep the children safe too?

Not as blame.

Not as shame.

But because children cannot be responsible for navigating an adult relationship.
And neither can the pets.

Sometimes loving somebody is not enough reason to continue living with them.

Sometimes leaving a toxic or dangerous relationship becomes necessary not because you have stopped loving them — but because safety has finally had to become more important than keeping the relationship together.

A step backwards can also be a dangerous time
Leaving and returning can happen more than once.

But every time she returns, attempts to leave again, or the abusive person realises they are losing control, the risk can change or escalate.

That can affect not only her physical and emotional wellbeing, but the safety and wellbeing of the children around her.

This is why each attempt to leave deserves a fresh safety plan, not judgement.

If she is preparing to leave, privacy matters
Keep the circle very small.
Well-meaning friends and family can accidentally put their foot in it.
They may confront the person.
They may tell someone else.
They may send a message.
They may try to “help” without understanding the danger.

If someone needs to know, choose somebody who can stay calm, keep information private and follow her lead rather than taking matters into their own hands.

Where possible, speak privately with Police, a lawyer, Women’s Refuge, a doctor, nurse, hospital social worker or another appropriate professional.

Think about how you can physically get away

Something as simple as where you park your car can matter.
If you are worried about your safety, always try to park where your vehicle cannot easily be blocked in.

Where possible:
park facing the direction you would need to leave
keep enough fuel in the vehicle
know where your keys are
avoid being boxed in by another vehicle, gate or garage door
think beforehand about more than one safe route away

Do not wait for an emergency to discover that your quickest way out has been blocked.

Think about technology too
Phones and devices can reveal more than people realise.
Location sharing, shared accounts, car apps, smart-home devices, social media and saved passwords may reveal someone’s location or plans.
If you suspect your device is being monitored, get specialist advice where possible before making sudden changes that could alert the other person.

If there is time to prepare safely...

Think about:
identification and important documents
medications
access to money
keys and chargers
children’s essentials
somewhere safe to stay
pets
emergency phone numbers
copies of important financial information
transport and how you will physically leave
who genuinely needs to know

But if there is immediate danger:

Leave first.

Do not put yourself or the children at greater risk trying to collect clothes, paperwork, photographs or possessions.

And if she asks for help and then seems to pull away from it, don’t assume:
“Obviously it wasn’t that bad.”

Don’t shame her.

Don’t tell her:
“Well, you clearly want to be with him.”

She may be caught between fear, conditioning, attachment, guilt and survival.

Sometimes the most helpful response is simply:
“I’m still here. What do you need to feel safer?”

Seeking help is not always one clean decision.
Sometimes it is several frightened steps forward and then a step backwards.

And a step backwards is not a reason to withdraw support — it may be the time she needs safe, professional support most.

Because getting through the door is one thing.

Having a plan for what happens next can matter just as much.

💛
Are you okay?

COMING UP ON DAY 15 OF THE 30-DAY “ARE YOU OKAY?” SERIES ~ I will also publish a basic safety plan — practical things to think about before, during and after leaving, including children, transport, money, documents, phones, pets and emergency contacts.