09/10/2026
HOPE TALK: What I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Dementia
“THEY WON'T GET IN THE CAR."
It sounds like such a small thing. You have an appointment. You need groceries. You are trying to go to lunch. Maybe you simply thought a drive would be good for both of you.
You have the keys. Their coat is on. Everything is ready. Except your loved one will not get in the car. “No.” “I’m not going.” “Where are you taking me?” And suddenly something most of us do without thinking has become a 20-minute negotiation.
If you are caring for someone living with dementia, I want you to know something important: There is usually a reason behind the resistance, even when they cannot explain it to you.
Maybe they do not understand where they are going.
Maybe getting into the car feels physically difficult.
Maybe they are afraid.
Maybe they have forgotten why you are leaving.
Maybe the word “appointment” means something unpleasant to them.
Or maybe their brain is simply telling them, “Something about this does not feel safe.”
And when that happens, more explaining is not always the answer.
Sometimes, the harder we try to convince someone, the harder they resist. So what can we do differently? Instead of, “Come on, we have to go. We are going to be late,” try connecting first.
If this is a "normal" behavior for your loved one, plan extra time.
Sit beside them for a moment.
Slow your voice.
Tell them how much you love them.
Give them one simple step at a time.
“Come with me. I want to show you something.”
Or give the trip a pleasant purpose: “Let’s go get some coffee.”
“Come take a ride with me. I could use your company.”
“Let’s go see what the trees look like today.”
"I want to take you somewhere special."
Sometimes music they love playing in the car can help. Sometimes approaching the car from a familiar side helps. Sometimes opening the door and simply standing quietly beside them is better than repeatedly telling them to get in. And sometimes? Stop trying.
Give it five or ten minutes. Change the subject. Have a little snack. Look out the window together. Then try again as though it is a completely new idea. Because the goal is not to win the argument.
The goal is to help the person feel safe enough to take the next step.
Of course, there will be times when an appointment truly matters, and you cannot simply abandon the trip. But even then, reducing pressure, allowing extra time, and changing how we approach the moment can make an enormous difference.
This is one of those parts of dementia caregiving that other people rarely see. They see someone refusing to get into a car. The caregiver sees the clock ticking, the appointment getting closer, everything else that needs to be done that day, and a person they love who simply will not move. That can be exhausting.
So the next time dementia turns something ordinary into something incredibly difficult, remember: The behavior is often communication.
Instead of asking only, “How do I get them into the car?” try asking, “What might be making this feel unsafe, confusing, or uncomfortable right now?” That one change in perspective may not solve every moment. But sometimes it changes everything.
And to the caregivers navigating a hundred little moments like this every single day: I SEE YOU.
The things that look small to everyone else can feel enormous when you carry them over and over again. That is why we need to keep sharing what works. ❤️
